Identity

When I was a young girl, at the age of 7, God placed in my heart 4 clear desires and one clear message for me.  He created a space in my heart that longed to be an artist, to be on Broadway, to travel the world to help people, and to live in France.  And He told me that I was destined for something big.  Something bigger than where I was, which at the age of 7 wasn’t a far stretch.  But I believed it.

Then the ebbs and flows of life came through, as they always do, eroding my shoreline that lacked a proper seawall.  The experiences and words of others somehow became louder than the desires of my heart.  “You should probably just study art history in college”, ” You are f*@!ing up the whole scene!”, fear, fear, fear.  Then complacency settles into the space in your heart, like an unwanted guest squeezing the desires out of the space that was once so sacred.

After years of turning the complacency to regret and then regrets into resentments and resentments into self loathing and BAM!  somehow you let the enemy win.  You end up with two choices; wallow or fight.  And you choose to fight.  And some days it feels like what you can only imagine that they felt at the Battle of the Bulge; one step forward, two-no make that three, steps back.  And then some days it’s all quiet on the western front and you are filled with a cup full of hope.  a re-charge to your ammunition supplies.  And what can seem like forever, eventually you start making progress and then one day you are walking in the glorious light of God’s love.  Because you started to replace the words of the enemy with the words of God. You are worthy. You are loved. You are enough. Basking in the warmth and the space where your desires once lived is swept clean and renewed and slowly you let those desires back into the space to open up, like a budding flower returning in spring.

But don’t be naive into thinking that the war is won.  Because the enemy will continue to push on and the harder you press into God the harder satan will press into you. But you have your secret weapon, your Father, the King of Kings, fighting this battle with you and for you.  You see, God isn’t really interested in letting go of what is His.  He is a jealous God and you are His.  And He will fight for you and with you.  You are His.  He calls you child.  He calls you beloved.  He calls you worthy.  But He also calls you something special.  A name that is designed just for you and for all those special qualities and desires He put in you while He knit you in your mother’s womb.  And if you ask Him, He will reveal that name to you.

When I asked God what He calls me I heard nothing.  I can only imagine what my face looked like while I was trying with all my might to keep my thoughts at bay and to listen-like I was listening for the sound of a worm crawling-so intently, yet the outside noises kept invading until I gave up.  The old thoughts came bubbling back up, “you are not worthy enough to hear from God”  “Do you really think you are special enough for that?”  I turned to sulking and then to just forgetting about it.  Until He told me.  I was sitting there amongst all my co-workers, getting ready to begin praise and worship as a family at our annual retreat and I heard Him.  Like an audible voice.  I turned to the person next to me and said, “Did you say something to me?”  with a blank stare on his face, “No.”  I figured surely it was my imagination or I just caught words from someone else’s conversation.  Then I heard it again.  So I turned to the other side of me and asked, “Did you say something?”  This time I got a look o surprise and another, “No.”  So I asked, feeling like Samuel as a child,  “God is that you?”  And again He spoke my identity.  And immediately I asked but what does that mean, and immediately He filled me with the so many things it meant and I suddenly felt complete in that moment.  He calls me “Creator.”  Creator of life, of art, of experiences, of characters, of dramas, of connections. Creator.

Now I danced about in that for a few months before I got comfortable in it.  because that is what we do, we get comfortable  where we are until  suddenly it doesn’t feel so magical or awesome and we start to forget.  Or we start to hear others identities and they suddenly sound way cooler than ours, “Warrior” “Healer of Hearts” “Leader of Men” and we fall prey  to the tar-pit of comparison.  It just sucks you in and throws you back into the vicious cycle of self loathing.  And we begin again.  But this time I have the name that God calls me and I cling to that. And when I marinate on the word Creator I think of our all mighty Creator and all that He has created. From the tiniest of molecules to farthest reaches of the universe, He created them.  And He created me and calls me Creator.  You see, we are created in the image of God and He gave me a portion of Himself.  His Creator self.  How can I not be humbled and honored and in awe of His love?

If you are interested in understanding more about your personal identity in Christ, this video can help you walk through it.  If you need more, message me in the comments and I can give you more.

 

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